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3 hours ago, Englebert said:

Now or Later

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. 
A filthy hobo wandering by stopped and said, “Look dear, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?” 
She screamed, “NO! Get lost you filthy old buzzard!” 
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.” 

She didn't jump. 


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From one of my friend’s Facebook page:

”Satan worshippers crack me up.  Why would you worship a deity that literally lost a fiddle contest to some random hillbilly from Georgia?”

Hagar likes this

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Little Johnny came home from school one day and as the family was eating dinner, he let his dad know that he had a homework assignment and needed to write a short paper expaining the difference between theory and reality. His dad told him no problem, just let me do some thinking and after dinner they would get it taken care of.

After dinner, little Johnny finally sits down with his dad to work on his assignment and as they are waiting to get started, his dad tells him to go ask his mom if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Little Johnny was hesitant at first, thinking he would get in trouble, but finally went and asked her and she expained to him that it would be very wrong of her to do, but for a million dollars she would do it.

He comes back and tells his dad and his dad tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with Channing Tatum for a million dollars. To no surprise, she quickly agrees and says she would.

Little Johnny goes back to his dad and tells him he really needs to get his paper finished up and doesn't understand what the questions to his mom and sister have to do with theory and reality. His dad responds, "Well son, it's simple. In theory, we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

baddog and TxHoops like this

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A 5 year old girl hadn't talked for her entire life. Her parents thought there was something wrong with her. One morning at breakfast, she screamed at her mother, "You burned my dad gum toast". Her relieved mother asked her why she hadn't spoken till now? She said, "Up till now, everything has been alright".

SmashMouth and Hook'em like this

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