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3 hours ago, Englebert said:

Now or Later

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. 
A filthy hobo wandering by stopped and said, “Look dear, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?” 
She screamed, “NO! Get lost you filthy old buzzard!” 
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.” 


She didn't jump. 
 

LMAO!

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Little Johnny came home from school one day and as the family was eating dinner, he let his dad know that he had a homework assignment and needed to write a short paper expaining the difference between theory and reality. His dad told him no problem, just let me do some thinking and after dinner they would get it taken care of.

After dinner, little Johnny finally sits down with his dad to work on his assignment and as they are waiting to get started, his dad tells him to go ask his mom if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Little Johnny was hesitant at first, thinking he would get in trouble, but finally went and asked her and she expained to him that it would be very wrong of her to do, but for a million dollars she would do it.

He comes back and tells his dad and his dad tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with Channing Tatum for a million dollars. To no surprise, she quickly agrees and says she would.

Little Johnny goes back to his dad and tells him he really needs to get his paper finished up and doesn't understand what the questions to his mom and sister have to do with theory and reality. His dad responds, "Well son, it's simple. In theory, we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

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A 5 year old girl hadn't talked for her entire life. Her parents thought there was something wrong with her. One morning at breakfast, she screamed at her mother, "You burned my dad gum toast". Her relieved mother asked her why she hadn't spoken till now? She said, "Up till now, everything has been alright".

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A teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.  “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever.  

A smart-a$$ boy in the back of the room raised his hand & asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter & snickering.  When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the answers to the exam with your other hand”.

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A democrat walks into a bar and ask, “what’s the new most popular drink”?  

The bartender replies, “A Russian Collusion.  

The Democrat says, “Well I’ll take one”.

And the bartender gives him an empty glass.

lmbo, insert laughing emojis for next three lines :) 

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Saw a good meme, which of course I can’t post on here, so I’ll type it out.

PRAISE THE LORD, THANK YOU FOR THIS COLD FRONT

AND PLEASE LET ALL THEM DAMN MOSQUITOES FREEZE TO DEATH AND THEN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL WHERE THEY BELONG.  AMEN!

 

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